What’s a Woman to Do?

I had a very low-key weekend, which I suppose was what my soul needed just to process some things going on deep down inside of my psyche; things I didn’t really have any idea were brewing until yesterday morning.

I have been divorced now for 4 years and am doing quite well on my own. Just me and my sweet girl are hanging tough. We take care of each other and when things get rough we always say, “We’re gonna make it, ’cause we’re a team!” I am able to keep a house up with very little physical assistance with the exception of every now and then when I need some help with a bit of heavy lifting and help with some of the yard stuff…and that’s only because my back isn’t what it used to be and I can’t bench press 300. Although, the past 2 years I have accomplished such feats as getting all of my Christmas decorations, including my boxed 7′ Christmas tree, up and down from the attic all by my sweet little self, and I also lifted my lawnmower in and out of my trunk so Mack could change a spark plug in all of his manly manliness do very complex and intricate repairs for me, so I think I’m doing pretty good.

Financially, it’s rough, but I have never been too proud to work 2 or 3 jobs at a time if necessary. When Amanda was a baby, I worked a 3am-7am shift during the week and 11am-7am Saturday nights at the Shop at Home network call center while my ex-husband slept (he worked 2nd shift). Oh, the entertainment that the drunks calling in wanting to buy coins and knives would provide. It was much fun. Unfortunately, I can’t do that now, so my options are more limited, but I am coming up with other creative ways of bringing in some income, like simplifying and downsizing. Anyway, the cost of living keeps increasing, and I know that I’m not alone, so to keep bitching about finances isn’t going to garner much sympathy because everyone is in the same boat.

blah, blah, blah…

Anyway, a friend recently asked me if I thought I would ever get married again. I think I stuttered a little bit, and then I don’t remember exactly what my response was, but it wasn’t exactly yes or no. It’s funny because I used to reply with an emphatic “Oh, hell to the no!”

The thought of putting my heart out there on the line again is something that I have equated to perhaps pulling out my fingernails with a pair of pliers…or making me listen to the most god-awful gangsta rap non-stop for 3 days straight…or making me eat live worms.

You get the idea.

I guess I slowly started to have a change of heart (ha, no pun intended) in the last year or so, and I signed on to a couple of those dating sites during their trial period times just to see what it was all about.

Well, lord knows I wasn’t getting any action in real life. I mean really…I used to ask my best friend, “Now, you’d tell me if I was growing a third eye out of the back of my head and everybody pitied me too much to tell me, wouldn’t you?” Because in all of my years of being involved in a thriving church, going out to music events, and all kinds of social activities, do you know how many guys asked me out? Ummm…not counting my ex-husband…that would be a big fat ZERO. The men I would end up hanging out with would be friends of friends or co-workers or whatever, but I would never be asked out on dates or have “official” boyfriends.

Wait. I did have a boyfriend my Freshman year in college. That was the guy I would hide in my back seat under my books and coats when I would travel through the guard shack at Liberty University because Freshman weren’t allowed to single date or have a male and female travel in a car alone. He was a really nice guy.

But I digress…

So I found with Eharmony, it was way too complicated. They wanted to know just about everything about you except your blood type. It was a bit too serious, too quickly. It is definitely geared toward people who are looking for marriage as the ultimate goal, and it made me really nervous. So I unsubscribed. Quickly.

Then I did Match.com. Wow. I had lots of “winks” where guys would let you know that they liked your profile and your picture, and I winked at a some guys myself. The thing about Match was that in my profile, I narrowed it down to a specific type of guy I was looking for…not to be a snob, but having been through one divorce already, I have earned the right to be picky. Deal with it. Yet, somehow, I was still getting matches that were way off target. (I am really, really, really into guys with teeth. Oh, and mullets went out back in the very early 90s.) To put it kindly, I would also say that many of the men on there might as well go hang out at Craigslist, as it seems they are more in it for a hook-up than anything else (more power to you, but have the decency to be honest about it). Unsubscribe.

Finally, there’s Chemistry.com, which is a cross between the two. They guide you though some communication at first and then you can e-mail each other through the site so you remain anonymous as long as you want. I met a few nice guys on the site, but then things just always seemed to fizzle out either from my end or his…no big official end, just a fizzle. That’s totally cool, though, that just means it wasn’t meant to be. Again, I unsubscribed from the site before the trial ended.

After that experiment, I have decided that the online dating site thing just isn’t for me.

There is a part of me that still believes in “meant to be” and not trying to manipulate fate, and there was something about those sites that felt like I was trying too hard to make something happen.

Or maybe it’s just that nobody had rendered me smitten.
(There’s a nice Southern way to put it.)

Who knows…

Anyway…I’m rambling as I guide you through my midlife crisis, aren’t I?

It can sometimes be difficult being single in your 40s, trying to make your way through alone. Many of us are most likely divorced. We have children. We share custody. We are professionals. We juggle careers and childcare.

I think about how I really don’t want to grow old alone. I would love to be sitting in a rocking chair holding hands with an old fart sitting next to me watching the sun set and yelling at the neighbor kids to get off our lawn.

Then again, I don’t want to be in a miserable situation ever again. I’d rather be alone and happy than with somebody and miserable. If I ever do it again, I will venture slowly and soberly. Here’s some psychobabble for you: I believe a relationship is a living thing. And I truly believe two people can choose to make a relationship work if they both nurture it and don’t allow it to go into autopilot. Routine kills a relationship.

I have learned a lot through my past relationships. I believe I have proven that I can make it alone. I’ve done the trial and error of dating online. I’m living the daily grind of being a single mom…work, take care of my girl, take care of me, sleep…and doing it all over again the next day…and I’ll do it as long as I have to in order to raise up my child, even if it means being alone the rest of my life.

Then again maybe — just maybe — there’s a little corner of my heart that might be open to letting someone in again. With my dating track record, that may mean I am the one doing the asking out…

Otherwise…what’s a woman to do?