In which Aunt B makes me cry for different reasons…
One: I have been trying to articulate how I have been feeling for a week now…writing and stopping and drafting and deleting and starting over and then trashing it all.
Then I open my feed reader and there it is written out for me. I almost love her and hate her for it at the same time because she has this ability to reach into me express my thoughts so many times without even knowing she’s doing it. We don’t even hang out that often. It’s uncanny, really. How can that be?
Two: I feel the following words so deeply, and yet at the same time I haven’t completely lost all faith. I have searched my heart and I still believe there is hope. Check back with me in 2 hours and that might change. Check back with me in 2 hours after that, and my faith might be as strong as any pastor’s again.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
Sorry if this makes you cringe, but this is how I roll right now…if your faith is stronger, go buy yourself a medal. As for me, I’m still a work in progress…
I don’t know. That’s why I think religion is stupid. You do what you’re told and what do you get for your troubles? It just seems like a bad deal all around and the response to recognizing it’s a bad deal is just to be told to have more faith, pray more, put yourself on the line more, open yourself up more.
And to what end?
Where was I?
My grandpa.
Was he a fucker?
Yes.
But aren’t we all?
So, what are you going to do? I’m tired of fuckers, for sure, but I’m much more tired of good people who are sure of the rightness of their actions, let me tell you. Give me some uncertainty and some rage at that uncertainty and…
I guess what I’m saying is that we’re all going out one way or another and I would rather burn than be smothered.
I’ve been smothered. I’m gasping for air.
I refuse to burn.
Still, I will hope against all hope.
Nobody can take that away from me.
Filed under: Blogger Buddies, Current Mood, Deep Thoughts, Spirituality, Things That Inspire Me | Tagged: church, faith, hypocrites, religion
You know this verse well…
Consider it a great joy whenever you experience VARIOUS trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces ENDURANCE. But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking NOTHING. James 1:2-4
(Emphasis is mine)
Just think of it as you aren’t complete yet. Or immature. HAR.
Hang in. I’m hanging witchya, ya know.
I know what it’s like to struggle in my faith. The last 10 months have tested me in ways I never thought possible. I don’t know what your particular struggles are but a verse that always helps me is John 16:33 – “These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage, I have overcome the world.”
Not to put too fine a point on it….but when you hop in your car after work, get to your air-conditioned home, decide what to eat for dinner, then how to amuse yourself until bedtime…..
well, everything regarding trials and hardship seems relative at that point, no?
I’m not at all sure what B was trying to say in that post, and I’ve read it three times at least. FWIW, give me people who are frequently uncertain about their faith than someone who never questions it.
If you can spare the $4 for a used copy I would highly recomend the book “When Bad Christians Happen To Good People” by Dave Burchett.
Here is a link to it at amazon
http://www.amazon.com/When-Christians-Happen-Good-People/dp/1578564905/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1217955662&sr=1-1
this book did more for me in helping me with what has always been my biggest stumbling block in my walk than anything else I have ever read. Since I don’t know what has put you where you are it might not be any help to you at all, but it is worth checking out.
V
Sharon: Yes, girl…we are hangin’ together, and we’re gonna make it through…we are survivors!
Lady Jaye: Thank you so much for sharing that verse with me. I am looking so forward to getting to know you better!
Mack: I definitely got what B was saying in her post, and it spoke to me. It may have something to do with the fact that she grew up in the church. Also, I always appreciate how you help me to keep things in perspective. *hugs*
Ford Prefect: Yes! I have listened to the audio version of this book. I thank you so much for sharing this information here. It is very, very helpful and I plan to listen to it again.
Ahem. I too, “grew up” in The Church. Until I was 12, I belonged to a Christian organization and attended their services and events three days a week. I only bring this up because too many people assume I have no idea what I speak of Christianity.
I’m glad you got something from her post, though. I’m still scratching my head.
Mack, you’re right…I do tend to forget that you grew up in the church because you are such a heathen now…
I tease because I love…