A Mother’s Tears for Her Child’s Fears

I spent the entire day with my little girl.  Neither of us made it where we were supposed to be today.  She didn’t make it to school, and I didn’t get to work.

I want to share what she and I have been dealing with for the past few weeks.  This post will be just a little more personal than is within some of your comfort zones or reading tastes.  Hence, I’ll use one of my favorite little tactics that my friend Newscoma does:  if you’d like to read on, I’d be thrilled, but if not, go look at this picture of a Santa Kitty (the kitty doesn’t look too thrilled, but it’s cute nonetheless).

Much of today was spent in a physician’s office and then in an emergency counseling session for my daughter.  When I woke her up for school this morning, she began crying and complaining of stomach pain. She got more and more upset to the point of inconsolable.  I could not get her calmed down as she curled up in my bed and appeared to be having some sort of breakdown.  I did my best to try and assess how much of her pain was physical and how much was emotional.

As soon as possible, I got her in to see her doctor, who ruled out any more serious ailments and then prescribed some medication for her stomach.  She asked Amanda if anything was bothering her.  She said yes, that she’s been really afraid that she was going to throw up again because she had gotten sick before Thanksgiving, and then again last week (she said she couldn’t stop thinking about it).  She was really worried about her Mommy because she had been having a really hard time with her life and her job.  She told the doctor that she was really upset about Christmas this year.

Last week, in her usual nightly phone call from her father, she found out that the usual tradition that she had looked forward to each year on Christmas morning was not going to happen because his Partner — the guy who refused to come to any of her soccer games this year because he had a difference of opinion with me over how I parent my child — is not only refusing to come down to see her open her presents on Christmas morning, he is guilting her father into making him stay with him to help cook Christmas dinner. Ex said that his parents would be coming down on Christmas morning, but he would not.  Now, how f*cked up is that?

In the 4½ years since the divorce, we had put any hard feelings aside for a few hours and I opened my home each Christmas morning so that Amanda could have as “normal” a family Christmas as possible.  The Ex’s partner was invited and came down ever since they have been together (the last 2 years).  I even cooked lunch for everybody, and we all actually enjoyed the holiday.

I must admit that for me, it was nice…otherwise, I would end up pathetically alone on Christmas after Amanda was picked up to be taken to her father’s for the holiday.  I enjoyed the company.  It isn’t like I ever disliked being around his parents…or the Ex when we get along…I mean…there is a reason we fell in love in the first place…we did like each other’s company at one time!  Heh.

However, thanks to The Partner Who Thinks He Knows More About Mothering Than I Do, this year it was not to be.*

Amanda was crushed.  She told her father that the Partner needed to “get over it” (his problem with me) and stop acting like this, but the poor Ex said he felt he was being put in the middle of a tug-of-war.

As if there would ever be a question or a choice!

When she got off of the phone, she started crying and then I completely lost it.  That’s what resulted in this post and me literally crying all night.

The doctor believes that is a major part of what has resulted in my little girl’s stomach issues.

So with that, we called the counselor she had seen in the past to see if there was any chance of an emergency session available today.  Miraculously, there was an opening.

We both talked to him for the first part of the session, and then for the second part, she talked to him alone.  What  came out of the session is that she is very angry at them, feels guilty for being angry, and is very worried about me.  The counselor made sure she knew that she had every right to be angry, her feelings were valid, and then he gave  advice to help us both manage our anxiety and how I can make my home a place of refuge.   I am going to work on making that a reality in the next couple of weeks.

She seemed in a better frame of mind after the session.

Sometimes hearing the same words from a “stranger” or another person is better received than from somebody you take for granted everyday.

We had dinner, came home and talked a little more.   She had some more stomach pains tonight, but things didn’t seem as bad as they have been.  I really hope that talking things out with the counselor, and him reassuring her, helped her.

As for how I am handling all of this…well, I’d be amazed if I have any stomach lining left.  It’s easy for me to give a bunch of lip service about faith, but honestly I’m crying a lot these days.

The second half of 2008 has been a complete bust beyond anything I could’ve imagined.  Yet for all of the bullshit drama I’ve had to deal with, none of it matters compared to when I see my child being affected by other people’s self-absorbed idiocy or my inability to protect her from it.

For now, it’s another sleepless night.  But one thing is for damn sure…I know who I can count on to be there for me…they are few and faithful and I love them with all my heart…good friends…and she will always know that she will be able to count on me to be there for her.

*Edited to Add: I feel that I should state that I do realize that most divorced families do not share holidays together.  However, we had started a tradition and made it work…all for our daughter’s sake.  This is and has always been about her.