From the “I Know You Mean Well” Department: 10 Things Not to Say to Your Unemployed Friends

It is April 6, 2009. I have now been unemployed since 12/31/08. Three months. 13 weeks.

According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, in March the unemployment rate rose to 8.5%. That’s 13.2 million people who are unemployed. This group has nearly doubled in size over the past 12 months.

The number of long-term unemployed (those jobless for 27 weeks or more) rose to 3.2 million over the month (up from 2.9 million people in February) and has increased by about 1.9 million since the start of the recession in December 2007.

The reason I am posting these numbers is because it presents the reality that it could now take months for a person find employment. The situation in the job market is not the same as it was 2 years or even one year ago.

This has been the longest three months of my life. The depression and blows to my self-esteem from the rejection letters and dead ends has been practically debilitating. Thank God for my therapist, who informed me that she has at least 4 other patients who are dealing with the same predicament. (This, in a very warped way, comforts me.)

They, like me, have applied at companies where we had internal contacts, and yet did not even get an interview.

Imagine for a moment how all of this would make you feel if you were in the same situation.

I encourage you to do this because while I have some of the most incredible friends a girl could have in her life — friends who have given me stellar recommendations, called friends, forwarded my resume to their HR departments, sent me anonymous Wal-Mart gift cards in the mail so I could buy groceries…the blessings go on and on – there are a few suggestions I would like to make when it comes to the comments you make to your unemployed friends and acquaintances.

When a friend loses their job it is like a death – no, it is a death. The death of their sense of security, and for some even the death of a dream. Along with the financial trauma they are going through, there are also the psychological implications. For many of us, our jobs have played a huge role in our identity. We have worked years and even decades to establish our place in this world, and suddenly it has unceremoniously been taken from us. We are going through the stages of grief that one experiences when there is a death. The shock, denial, pain, fear, shame, anger, and doubts about one’s self-worth are all a part of this. There are days when I don’t even feel like I can get out of bed (but I have to in order to care for my daughter). There are times when I am forgetful, feel like I am in a fog, am “stabby” (short-fused), and tearful.

Please remember that you might be, too, if you were in the same shoes.

So along these lines, here are a few suggestions of things you might want to think twice about saying to your friend who is dealing with the stress of unemployment:

1. “Don’t take it personally” While I totally appreciate the sentiment that goes along with this comment – you mean for it to be reassuring – please understand that, again, we have just taken a blow to a part of our identity. It is difficult not to take it personally when somehow you made it on the cut list while there may be others who didn’t work as hard as you or didn’t “care” as much and yet who are still pulling a paycheck.
2. “Maybe you need to tweak your resume.” Chances are, if we haven’t been able to get any bites on a job within a month of being laid off, we have thought of this. Thanks.
3. “You have lots of experience. You’ll be fine.” Yes, eventually, but again, we are in a different time than we were even a year ago. I have a BBA degree and a 20+year job history that most would envy. And so do dozens of other candidates who are applying for the same positions as I am. The reality is that the job market is flooded with applicants who are vying for the same positions. Regardless of experience and internal contacts, when there are 500+ applicants for one position in a company, the odds of getting the job are significantly diminished.
4. “You may just have to make some major sacrifices and stop being so picky.” Uh…judgmental much? In my particular situation – a single mom who is responsible for taking and picking up her child from school, and who is trying not to lose her home – there are indeed certain conditions I have to consider when applying for a job. There is a bottom-line salary requirement in order to make my bills and have some basic quality of life for me and my daughter. There is also the schedule issue that I cannot drop her at school before 7am and cannot pick her up from after-care after 6pm. I shouldn’t be made to feel guilty for the reality of my situation.
5. “You have to make looking for a job a full-time job.” Most of us who have extensive work experience, and perhaps have been through a layoff before, are fully aware of how much time and effort it takes to find a job. Again, in today’s economic situation, people are sending out hundreds of resumes and yet not finding jobs within a matter of a few weeks of their layoffs. While the advice is meant to be constructive, remember that emotions are raw and to infer that one is not doing enough to find work is insulting.
6. “It’s easier to find a job when you are already working…so take what you can get and keep looking.” That would work for some people, but I like to live my life with integrity. Meaning, I will not allow myself to be hired and let the employer spend their time and money on training me, only to leave them hanging in a few months when I find a better offer. Sorry, I just wasn’t raised that way and I will not sacrifice my work ethic and integrity to that end.
7. “At least you can collect unemployment.” Yes, and believe me when I say that we are all extremely thankful for it. Do understand, however, that unemployment benefits are not supposed to make you comfortable…they are supposed to be a temporary way to help out families while one finds another job.

Unfortunately, with the job market the way it is, many people have exhausted their benefits and still have not found employment yet. I, personally, am praying for an extension to my benefits thanks to the federal stimulus package.

Which brings me to…

8. “Don’t worry, Obama’s gonna take care of you!” Oh. My. God. If there ever was a time to not get political on someone, this would be it. Trust me, being unemployed is not funny when within a few months from now one could end up losing their house and everything hey have worked so hard to attain throughout their lifetime.
9. “I’m sorry you are unemployed, but I have a fabulous business opportunity I would like to show you!” There are no words to describe how it feels when you think you are applying for a job – one with a salary and benefits – only to be blind sighted and barraged with a network marketing shpiel. Please don’t do this to people who you know need a reliable form of income. It is in extremely bad taste.
10. “I wish I could get laid off for awhile. I hate my job.” Perhaps a better approach would be to count your blessings that you have a way to pay your bills and, oh you know, eat, rather than make such an insensitive remark to an unemployed person. After this frightening experience, I do not believe I will ever complain about a job I have again.

I know that for the most part (and just like in a death), people are incredibly well-meaning in their comments. That is just an understood. Know that your friendship and encouragement is a treasure. However, it is important to realize that your unemployed friends are dealing with a major life change, and there are certain presumptions that can be simply dismissive, judgmental, and flat out insulting. I encourage you to choose your words carefully.

Sensitivity and compassion for each other during these difficult times are imperative to keep this country and the world in a healthy place so that we can all be empowered to keep up the good fight and land on our feet.

It is my hope that this post will be taken in that spirit rather than in one of compounding defensiveness.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for your friendship. Thank you for being a blessing to mine and my daughter’s life.